In the Midst of Silence
Silence. Weeks have passed since I shifted from something for two into solo. My phone is no longer as busy as before, umbrella is now good for one, more time to spend in solace, social media now on mute - everything is now in normal mode for someone who is single and uncommitted. No more flowers to look forward to, surprises to await, meal for two, late night conversations, evening walk in the busy street while my hand is being warmly held, monthsaries to celebrate, and commitment to uphold. Silence has become both a blessing and a struggle.
Pain in Silence. As much as I'd like to say I am totally okay, I really can't fully say I am. I hold this guilt in my heart for what I had done. If only I could turn back time and undo the part where I made myself a part of his life, I would. I can't stop the tears from marching down to my cheek everytime someone tells me of his agony and ask if I am okay. Every day I ask God to heal him and heal me. I want to tell people how I truly feel but it seems like I don't have the right to feel this way. I am the one who did not just cut the rope but also burned the bridge. I could not even tell my Mama my dilemma because I don't have the courage to spill everything without crying. I chose to be in silence because the pain is exceedingly seething and tormenting.
Hope in Silence. Mornings are like daily dose of medicine towards healing. I may not see God but every inch of my being feels him. He's comforting me with His Word day by day and, when tears attempt to fall, He immediately speaks to me in order to remind me that I am not alone. There are moments of each passing day when I wonder how he is; wondering which is used by the enemy to build up my anxiety and hinder me from putting my full trust and confidence in my Savior. But God never failed to remind me of His sovereignty and His plans which are far more better than mine. Despite of the constant attacks in the midst of silence, I know in my heart and mind that my God is my Rock and my Redeemer. He is my utmost pursuit, my highest delight, my all in all... This light and momentary affliction is nothing compared to what He did for me on the cross and the eternal weight of glory that awaits me at the end of this race. To Him I totally surrender all that I am and all that I have for He now lives in me.
Right now, as I type this, I am being visited by those memories we've shared and I am being attacked by guilt. Probably, this is part of what they dub "Moving On Stage". Whatever this may be, I praise God for this opportunity to be on my knees. This is not suppose to be the first entry of the new and updated version of me. Still, I'll post this anyway because this might become something someday...
Pain in Silence. As much as I'd like to say I am totally okay, I really can't fully say I am. I hold this guilt in my heart for what I had done. If only I could turn back time and undo the part where I made myself a part of his life, I would. I can't stop the tears from marching down to my cheek everytime someone tells me of his agony and ask if I am okay. Every day I ask God to heal him and heal me. I want to tell people how I truly feel but it seems like I don't have the right to feel this way. I am the one who did not just cut the rope but also burned the bridge. I could not even tell my Mama my dilemma because I don't have the courage to spill everything without crying. I chose to be in silence because the pain is exceedingly seething and tormenting.
Hope in Silence. Mornings are like daily dose of medicine towards healing. I may not see God but every inch of my being feels him. He's comforting me with His Word day by day and, when tears attempt to fall, He immediately speaks to me in order to remind me that I am not alone. There are moments of each passing day when I wonder how he is; wondering which is used by the enemy to build up my anxiety and hinder me from putting my full trust and confidence in my Savior. But God never failed to remind me of His sovereignty and His plans which are far more better than mine. Despite of the constant attacks in the midst of silence, I know in my heart and mind that my God is my Rock and my Redeemer. He is my utmost pursuit, my highest delight, my all in all... This light and momentary affliction is nothing compared to what He did for me on the cross and the eternal weight of glory that awaits me at the end of this race. To Him I totally surrender all that I am and all that I have for He now lives in me.
Right now, as I type this, I am being visited by those memories we've shared and I am being attacked by guilt. Probably, this is part of what they dub "Moving On Stage". Whatever this may be, I praise God for this opportunity to be on my knees. This is not suppose to be the first entry of the new and updated version of me. Still, I'll post this anyway because this might become something someday...
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