Unfinished Lines

Monotony filled my week. I wake up at four and sheepishly cook rice for breakfast because the coldness of the water is enough to awaken every inch of my nerves. I’d prepare for myself a warm cup of coffee to load my energy pool. Then, comes my early date with God…

I’ve been crying out to him a lot lately. I’ve been telling Him how physically drained I have been since the day my brother met an accident until this very day I’m writing this entry. I’ve been confessing to Him how I feel towards my brothers and sisters in Christ who are struggling in sin and trials He had allowed; confessions which I could not do even in our cell group. Sometimes, I beg God for more knowledge, wisdom and understanding for me to be able to discern His will with regard to my desire of quitting in teaching first grade pupils, being in Sword Shield for good, partnering with one of my mentors in some ministries and even going home. I tell God how I miss Mama. God knows how confused I am right now with regard to relationship with the opposite sex (this has been a struggle we have been resolving in our cell group lately). I wonder what verses or parts of the Scripture could possibly clear our vague idea on godly dating, courtship and marriage. At some point, I find myself having no right to speak or air what I’ve learned because I have just been rescued from my wrong relationship. I pray for my mentees, Kyla and Rowela, that they will continue to abide in Christ and grow in grace and in knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I pray for my family. I pray for my other brothers and sisters in Christ and I pray for the church. There are many things I’ve been telling to God lately and I know He’s been listening and working in my heart. God has been my refuge and strength and a very present help in trouble (Ps. 46:1)

I would then walk in the sullen street for about 10 minutes to witness the rising of the sun which I rarely see due to the unfavourable weather brought by the low pressure in our country. I would then hurriedly prepare for school – enduring the coldness of water in bathing, rumbling stomach in breakfast because of the medicine I have to take for a week, and monotony of what I’ve been doing.

I feel so dull in class. I teach, sing and dance with the kids, give activities, interact with my co-teachers and strive to endure the day in school. Yet, deep within, I’m yearning for physical rest. I want to sleep for eight hours, I want to sit still and commune with God, take naps, eat well without being in a hurry, stop doing paper works for a while, have time to walk and meditate on His Word, cook a sumptuous meal, talk to one of my brothers in Christ who is facing a dilemma I once faced, and, finally, read the books I haven’t read due to lack of time. As I type all of these, I find myself too selfish and worldly. These desires are too self-centered (I know!).

I don’t know. I am out of pace. Is this stress? Is this a result of burnout? Am I going crazy? I am in monotony. Where are those smiles I used to wear, the laughter I used to have? Has my enthusiasm flown out of my window? Where has my optimism gone? I badly need rest.

For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy (Exodus 20:11). If God rested then I should also need to rest. My restlessness had affected my service for Christ. Despite the overflowing love He has been giving and Word He had been teaching, I barely could share the outflow because I am physically tired and could hardly rise from bed.

I couldn’t even finish this entry well and it lacks coherence. I’ll post it anyway and look back to this one day. By then, I’ll be able to see for myself how He made my unfinished lines today into something beautiful…